Belly-button gazing does no good.

      It's wonderful what a clear head can do to perspective. To be brought back to solid, level ground after explosive, earth shaking moments of intense emotion almost feels like waking up from a chaotic, almost cubist style dream where nothing quite makes sense and you can almost, just almost make out a picture or a theme or a meaning. Good, solid rest can rejuvenate and clarify. A good, honest friend can do this as well. Mostly, however, it's been the Holy Spirit who has brought revelation, conviction, and restoration to my heart and mind.
      Truly, this whirlwind of activity and uncertainty has made me feel like an emotionally drunk person, stumbling around, talking to whoever will listen without discernment, wisdom, or caution. It begins to spiral out of control until it becomes this great, ugly, Picasso-inspired monster of my own fear-driven creation filled with assumption, desperate for resolution and answered questions, and hungry for attention. Others seem to make gentle allowance for my jumbled ramblings, my rankings, and my wild-eyed sputterings, all while they lovingly tolerate my selfishness and self-centered, albeit spiritual, diatribes.

      This morning was a morning of mourning. (See what I did there?). It was a time of mourning how much I've missed of my friends struggles, their life events, pouring into their souls, and providing a listening ear. It was a time of grieving for missed opportunities to bless those around me all because my hands and heart have been grasping for blessing without giving in turn or first. To be so consumed and focused on fear and personal feelings is to be empty, without compassion, and without the ability or effort to look beyond.
          How mightily, powerfully, and gently the Holy Spirit turns my eyes from inward to upward and then outward. And when He does this, suddenly eyes are opened and vision clears to see that there are others who are in need even greater than our own. Others who need the hands and feet of a Savior through the feeble hands and feet of His children. And others who have feelings, emotions, fears, and broken hearts that are just as valid, just as raw, and just as in need of the soothing balm of Holy friendship as my own.
      I don't write this to seek nods of approval, praise, or applause. I write this because I know where my heart has been and it's been ugly. I take these steps to release fear and cowardice and take on the mantle of confidence and contentment, trust and faith, mercy and openhandedness, and ask only for accountability and prayer.

My husband's heart and needs matter.
My children's hearts and needs matter.
My brothers and sisters, your hearts and needs matter.
And I want to be a vessel to be used for His glory by helping meet those needs.
Please share how I may help.

Incremental is monumental

        Today has been a fairly mixed bag. We rushed out of the house this morning to drive to Boring for the Parker side's winter gathering. It was a delicious brunch and a fun chaotic mass of children from all the cousins (we contributed a hefty five to the mix)! We sat and chatted and caught each other up in the goings on of our lives. In the midst of the revelry, we received a difficult, but not unexpected email with an update to our living situation. It was a moment that caught our breath, but thankfully we have family who love and support us and were there to remind us of God's faithfulness. They loved on us and reminded us we're not alone in trials or in blessings and that the trials CAN BE the blessings as well! 

      Coming home to a house that won't be our home for much longer brought a blanket of heavy calm and reflection. We set to work putting a few feelers out there and trying to put into motion a few necessary connections with people who will be helping us find our new home. We spent time snuggling the kids and soaking them in all while knowing God is moving behind the scenes in ways we can't even imagine. 

    Then I received another blessing in the form of hospitality and generosity from my incredible sister-in-law and her husband. They offered to open their home and host our sweet Lillea's birthday party for us next month so it would be one less thing we would have to think about. It may have seemed like a small gesture to them, but to us it was HUGE. 

      After feeling slightly drained emotionally, I spent time with Luke laughing at nonsense and resting in the joy of knowing I have my best friend walking through these crazy unknowns with me. Also, having small texts and comments from so many loved and loving friends reminding us of their prayers, their trust in the Lord, and their excitement and anticipation in seeing God's hand move in our lives and situations. Having others open their homes to us for the sake of friendship and fellowship these last couple of weeks has been yet another incremental but crucial reminder that we are a Body, united and knit together by the Holy Spirit to carry, support, comfort, and love each other.  Incremental is monumental, indeed. 

My broken record

     Do you remember as a kid having your parents tell you that you sounded like a broken record? There would be something you really wanted or didn't want and you felt the need to repeatedly talk about it. Over. And over. And over. And over again? I think all kids have this incessant need to be heard and understood. And some kids just have this need to hear themselves. I'm pretty sure I'm one of them on both accounts.
     I feel like this last year has been building up to this point and especially the last six months, but all I probably sound like to those around me is a broken record. A record that is supposed to be playing something lovely, or beautiful, or helpful, or enjoyable, but my record is stuck at a flaw. At a scratch. At a point that I just can't get past. And so the same line repeats itself over and over and over again. I can't handle when my kids repeat something more than a few times, but lately I've wondered how the patient people around me haven't lost it on me because of my repetition.
      I know God is patient with us, but even He allowed the children of Israel to face consequences of poor choices and unholy desires that they wouldn't shut up about (golden calf, anyone?). Yet I don't feel as though my request is unholy. Longing for a home is as natural as breathing. Wasn't that the Israelites hope? For God's promised land, their home, the land that would meet their needs? (Side note: I don't think I'm off in my biblical knowledge, but if someone has insight feel free to share!)
   My broken record of asking friends to "pray about our house situation", "pray for a home that meets our needs", and as of this morning "pray that the offer placed on the home we're living in is all in God's timing and that we find the right home for us much sooner than we expected" is starting to wear me out. We haven't been wandering in the desert for 40 years, but my longing is ever growing and my record is wearing thin.
       I think this blog entry tonight is for me to acknowledge that I've been fixated for a while on this whole desperation for a home and for me to apologize to the dear kind souls who've tolerated my pleas and haggard begging for prayers with great patience and faithfulness. I owe you big time. Also, to ask for those brothers and sisters to hang in there with us just a little longer, if you feel the long-suffering to do so. Just a little longer.
   And finally, I know this world isn't our true home. I know my ultimate longing is to be home in the presence of my Savior. That's where I'm homesick for in the deepest part of me, and that is the perspective I would like to be fixated on in the long run... I'm trying.

A new year, a new adventure!

We are closing up the month of January and it's time to give a small update of our family's life and goings on! Buckle your seat belts, friends! Here we go!!! :

1.) After much prayer, many tears, lots of heartache mingled with Holy Spirit peace, Luke and I came to the understanding that we cannot purchase the lovely house and property that we've been renting for the last two years. It's been a hard decision as we've grown to love this town and the community we've been blessed to connect with, especially with not knowing where this will take us, but we've trusted the Lord for everything and He's never steered us wrong! We're praying He'll bless us with a home that meets our needs but still keeps us near the boys' school and the church we've planted roots in, but His will is perfect and ultimately that's what we want!

2.) I have five children. I have FIVE children. I HAVE FIVE CHILDREN!!!!! Holy cow, that seems like a lot and then at times it seems like we've always had this! These kids are amazing. And they drive me crazy often, but even as I lose my mind occasionally, I marvel at these five eternal souls living under my care. As our sweet Lillea nears her first birthday, I can't imagine life without her. She has given our family the breath of sweetness and joy that we didn't even know we needed until she showed up! She's owned her Daddy's heart from the moment they locked eyes and has given her big sister a run for her money in the cuteness department! Speaking of sister, our Zipporah is a ball of spunky, silly, sassy energy! And she has the volume to match! But oh how I love her creative mind and her helpful spirit! She's a spitfire, that's for sure!! The boys are excelling in school, all in their own ways, and winning their friends over with their joy, sweetness, and fun! I love being their Momma and know that no other job could compare or fulfill me more than seeing them grow into the people God designed them to be!!

3.) Luke is amazing. He continues to provide through his job with the Oregon Army National Guard Military Funeral Honors Program as the supply sergeant and the office admin NCO. His side business, Agape Custom Shop, has slowed down significantly by his choice, but he still continues to blow my mind with the level of quality and craftsmanship he provides when he does have builds! He is the best Daddy to our children, taking on the mantle of godly leadership and headship in our home and blesses us daily with his love, compassion, and leadership. I can't help but fall to my knees and praise God for a man that even in my wildest dreams I couldn't have imagined someone like him. Knowing that our journey is taking another leap soon here frightens me sometimes, but there is so much comfort and joy knowing I get to take it with him!

4.) I've had a small vision for life when we relocate to our new home, whenever and wherever that will be. My heart's desire to finally (FINALLY) start throwing again (for those who don't know what that means, it's the term you use for making pottery on a pottery wheel. You "throw" the clay on the wheel), will hopefully become a reality when we're home in our new home. With that hopeful reality, I would LOVE to make something of it to help my family out and still make it a ministry somehow. I tossed the idea out to Luke and with his full support, I'm hoping Dogwood Ceramics will be a blessing to our family and others. I have a lovely picture in my mind of a small studio on our property and a sign in front of our house advertising  Agape Custom Shop hanging directly above my Dogwood Ceramics. Can you join me in prayer for this "someday" to become a "soon"?

I can't think of much else to say at the moment that wouldn't be redundant, so I'll close this update with this: We are always grateful for God's provision in every situation and we are seeking to serve Him in gladness and joy even while we have no clue where it will take us. We trust in His wisdom and guidance, but mostly we trust in His Word. That is the lamp into our feet and the light unto our path that guides our lives and brings the peace that only He can provide. Thanks for walking this journey with us friends!!

Philippians 4:4