Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Will this only be an annual blog?

It's merely a hypothetical question, but it IS relevant. Being inspired by other bloggers, their honesty in their challenges and struggles, and just their consistency has made me realize I started this blog as a window in our family to begin with! As I type, my youngest, Matthew who is now two years old is asleep in my lap and my two big boys (as big as a four year old and a six year old can be) are playing a video game together. My wonderful husband is on his way home from work in his two-hour commute. With life happening as it usually does, my brain begins to wander through the sludge of questions and emotions that have presented themselves on a consistent basis as I learn continuously what being a grown-up, wife, and mother truly means. Often times, on days like this, I'm also confronted with my own insecurities and inconsistencies as well. Unbeknownst to people, many times I have read a post or comment from friends expressing some level of frustration/annoyance about an unmentioned person, and I wonder, "Do they mean me??". This sends my brain into a whirlwind of thoughts, questions, self-evaluations, and ultimately splays me out face-down at the foot of the cross. Because I see how often I display a deformed and distorted image of my God and King and I'm humbled...no...humiliated. I've made life about myself, MY wants, MY needs, MY accomplishments, MY failings. That's not who I've been called to be. That's not how I've been commanded to live. My calling is simple...not easy, but simple: to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. And then to love my neighbor as myself. Have I accomplished this? No. But I am grateful I have my lifetime, as long as that may be, to learn, trip, fall, get up, and learn some more. I have a neighbor in my lap taking a nap right now, as a matter of fact. And I have two little neighbors now bickering over Legos. And I have my favorite neighbor picking up dinner on his way home! I'm grateful I get to learn the second commandment with them as I learn the first commandment from the Word. Hopefully, as I learn, I can take what I've learned and faithfully and lovingly practice on my non-household neighbors. And as I do that, Lord willing, my inconsistencies and inconsideration will slowly (or preferably rapidly) transform into the character of my Immanuel.